(by Amir Muhammad, NST, Thursday, 11-05-2006)

FRESH from its controversial call to ban The Da Vinci Code (NST, May 4), the Malaysian Linguistic Association (Malas) is once more taking aim at a pop-cultural institution beloved of bourgeois readers.

Its president Ambi Mohan wants the final Harry Potter book banned. What’s unusual about this is that the book has yet to be published! The seventh and last instalment of British writer J.K. Rowling’s franchise about a boy wizard is due out only in July 2007 and does not even have a confirmed title yet.

"There’s nothing wrong with asking for something to be banned before we can fully ascertain its contents," he says while adjusting his trademark bow-tie. "This read-before-you-judge concept is very Eurocentric and not suited to our tropical climate."

The association’s objection to Harry Potter is not merely linguistic this time, but in the interest of national security.

"As a patriotic Malaysian, it is my duty to speak up," he says. "My sister Anadil, who attended a charity dinner hosted by an anti-drug foundation, told me that ‘pot’ is slang for marijuana. Therefore I suspect that Harry’s surname of Potter indicates that he is a drug addict. Potter means he specialises in pot, just as a ‘fighter’ is someone who fights and ‘forester’ someone who deals with forests. You’d need to be a linguist to figure this out."

Ambi confirms that he has no solid evidence to back this claim "but the data that we have is highly persuasive. Only a drug addict would imagine he is a wizard who can fly and disappear and perform magical tricks.

These things cannot happen in reality as they defy the laws of Physics, which I studied at secondary school. Also his initials are HP which can stand for Hemp Promotion."

He has another theory. "The reason why this final Harry Potter book is shrouded in mystery is that the author does not want to reveal its drug content. She knows this will cause the book to be banned in Malaysia (a very important market for the books) so she is keeping quiet.

I think the final book will reveal that Harry gets his amazing powers by smoking ganja, tooting on joints and firing up doobies!" he says and starts to giggle uncontrollably.

Rowling and her publisher could not be reached for comment although we really tried.

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HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. [inserts spastic laughter] It's a parody, guys. xD